How Rufus Stole Xmas, and Other Messed Up Stories
by Kimmie3
Summary: Including: Nanaki, the Fire-Tailed Beast; Aeris the Snow-Ancient; It's a Wonderful Death, and many more! A parody of all those classic Chritmas tales with a twist! Please RR!
1. The plan, the ghost and the cake

Chapter 1  
  
Excitement rose from Cloud's villa, filling up the starry sky. Tonight was a night of love, peace and harmony.... perfect for the wholesome shenanigans of Avalanche as they waited for St Nick to arrive and bring them their--  
  
"Now just wait a damn minute!" Rufus Shinra pushed the homey scene from the imagination's eye, "Yeah, that's right. Let's pay attention to Rufus!"  
  
Standing with his arms crossed, the president surveyed his audience to make sure everyone was paying attention.  
  
"Hey I see you back there Blondie!" Rufus shouted at a random reader, shaking his fist with menace. "Don't make me come back there!"  
  
Taking a shade off of his killer glare, Rufus gave a quick flick of his hair. "If I have to sit through one more Avalanche Christmas story, I'm gonna gouge my eyes out! Shinra stories are where the money is! Come over to the dark side people! Do I have to beg here?"  
  
By now Rufus had changed to a slight shade of pink, his anger showing through. But lets face it, Rufus Shinra doesn't beg. He wasn't even considering paying off some people to beg FOR him. No, when Rufus gets this mad, he doesn't beg. He gets trigger happy.  
  
Fortunately for all of us, that shotgun had been disposed of. Rufus smacked his forehead in memory of his dearest pal in the whole world, "Ol' Gunny." He had left the keys to his office to Reno to feed Dark Nation, but Dark Nation never got fed. Instead, he had been left starving in his office. After he had ate all of the wallpaper, and most of the carpet, the shotgun had been the cat's next victim. At least Dark Nation was alright... but ol' gunny would never shoot again.  
  
Except when Dark Nation got indigestion... then you had better watch out.  
  
"You're lucky I have been permanently unarmed." Rufus warned "That would make my quest considerably easier. If only gunny was here, then I could get rid of Avalanche for good!"  
  
Rufus began pacing, as he tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I must stop the Avalanche Christmas stories from coming...... But how?!"  
  
***  
  
As Rufus will need a little time to figure out his sabotaging plans, let us skip forward to Aval-  
  
"Not Avalanche!" Rufus shouted, "That totally defies my purpose of getting rid of their stories!"  
  
Ahem. I meant the Shinra Christmas Eve party. If you need a place to get your jingle freak on, then Floor 61 is your room to par-tay! The sounds of "The Safety Dance" filled the room, as Heidigger--  
  
"Stage name, please" Heidigger crossed his arms and waited expectantly.  
  
Excuse me, "Rap Master H" was finally pursuing his DJ dream. In a corner, Sephiroth himself was collecting donations for the Underprivileged Villain Foundation. Generally, a fun time was being had by all.. But the person who seemed to be having all the fun was Reno. Which isn't much a surprise, because who wouldn't have fun if they were the life of the par-tay? Yes, Reno was the Par-tay king... but the king was not being appreciated.  
  
"Hey Elena.." Reno slunk up to his co-worker and whispered seductively in her ear.  
  
Elena turned with a surprised look on her face. "Yeah?"  
  
Reno broke out into a grin as he held onto a piece of mistletoe at belt height. "Say, how 'bout we get into the Christmas spirit and you ring my jingle bells?"  
  
Yup. You guessed it. A slap that broke through the Richter scale sounded through the room, causing the turntables (which Heidigger was having a mighty grand time on) to stop. Every eye was on the stupefied red head as he nursed his aching cheek. Even a few monocles were dropped.  
  
"This man is a pervert!" Elena yelled, causing a collective gasp of the party. Most weren't that surprised, but the gasp was contagious.  
  
"You disgust even me!" Sephiroth yelled from his donation table.  
  
Reno tried to form words, his mind slurred with the intake of booze he had drank that night. Could this have been avoided? Let's see... first he had christened Palmer, claiming the "gravy boat" had come to take him away. Then he scratched Heidigger's favorite Boy George CD. After that it got a little foggy for a few hours... then just now he had tried out his favorite mistletoe oriented joke on Elena. Nope, it was meant to be.  
  
"I wont allow this to keep going!" Heidigger shouted from his perch on the turntables. "Get out now, and never return! You're fired!"  
  
Fired? Reno laughed uncontrollably, causing the party goers to drop a few more monocles. He figured he'd get another beer before he left... because after all, it wouldn't seem so funny in the morning.  
  
****  
  
Has Rufus decided on a diabolical plan yet? Let us see.  
  
Rufus was inside of his office, trying desperately to claw himself out of a large fishing net.  
  
"Not yet! I'm not ready!" he shouted in dismay.  
  
Well, I guess that answers that question. Let's see how Reno is taking his newfound unemployment.  
  
***  
  
Reno walked out of the Shinra building, sipping a beer. This was by far the best Christmas Eve ever; After all, he had not even been caught on fire as of yet. As he strolled down the sidewalk, the redhead came upon Tseng, which caused him to do a double take.  
  
Tseng? Was his brain finally turning on him? No... that's not right, it had turn on him long ago. "Damn Brain!" Reno muttered savagely and punched himself in the head. "Oww..."  
  
That proved it. There was no way it could be the many liters of alcohol swimming in his gut, or even the result of eating the mold under his desk (it looked like cherry sauce at the time, which was one thing he couldn't pass up). Tseng was definitely standing in front of him. His dead colligue was a little green, with dust covering his frame. One of his eyes were bulging precariously from his eye socket, and his suit had bite holes covering it. Everything besides his hair spelled destruction. Reno made a note to get the name of Tseng's conditioner. Damn, his hair was beautiful.  
  
As a bug crawled up Tseng's suit, he carefully brushed it off, and smiled, showing perfectly white teeth. Tseng held up a pack of Mento's and winked at Reno.  
  
"Wow, long time no see." Reno commented calmly, totally ignoring the Mento's theme song playing faintly in the background.  
  
"Yeah. How have you been Reno?" Tseng rubbed his eye, causing it to plop out on the ground and roll down the street.  
  
"Damn... not again" Tseng sighed sadly.  
  
"Maybe it WAS the mold.." Reno said to himself. He would definitely think twice before he ate some unknown substance next time. "You gonna get that?"  
  
"Eventually.."  
  
It was then that an awkward silence hung over the two. Being dead was really not much of a conversation starter, and Reno was still a little weirded out about the whole eye plopping out thing. You know, that old situation.  
  
"So.." Reno started, "You seen Rude?"  
  
Tseng looked disappointed. It wasn't like everyday that someone came back from the dead, and now Reno was already talking about Rude! He sighed. He would just have to find attention somewhere else..  
  
"Yeah.. Left early. Said something about 'getting what he wanted this Christmas'" Tseng answered sadly.  
  
"Ah.. I wonder what that could be.." Reno smiled happily as he thought of all the wonderful things he wanted for Christmas... booze... and smokes... Elena jumping out of a cake. Mmm.. Cake... he really wanted some cake. Rude would have cake!  
  
"Well, better go find Rude! Catch you later Tseng!" Reno said joyfully, smacking Tseng on the back, causing the other eyeball to follow the first.  
  
"Damn...."  
  
*****  
  
A/N: Chapter 2, coming soon! please review! 


	2. The bet, the argument and the freefall

Chapter 2  
  
The time is still Christmas Eve, and Reno is still out of a job. Rufus, occupied with his sabotaging plans, will never notice that we are looking into Cloud's villa. Here, our old friends are sitting around the fireplace, glowing in the warm fiery glow. Actually, it was just Cid and Barret. But let's face it, they take up half of Avalanche's mass alone, so it isn't much of a slip up. Tifa, Nanaki, Cloud and Yuffie were in the next room arguing quite loudly. Obviously, the Christmas spirit wasn't lost on them. Cait Sith remained slouched over in the closet... after all, it IS Christmas. And Vincent... no one really knew where he was.. but assumed he was just reflecting on how nice dark shadowy corners were. Lets find out how Barret and Cid are spending their Christmas Eve..  
  
"Another Christmas... man, I am gettin' old.." Barret muttered to himself, thus proving his newly discovered senilely ways of talking to himself.  
  
"No shit, sherlock," Cid laughed at his friend. "I bet you was around the time Santa was born!"  
  
Barret rolled his eyes, deciding not to correct Cid about his comment on Santa. Everyone knew Santa had never been born... he had existed forever! "Shuddap you crusty ol' fool."  
  
However, Cid did not shut up. He continued to laugh harder and harder. It seemed as if Cid was getting a little senile as well. "I knew it! You are Santa! Aren't ya?!"  
  
"Hell no!" Barret blushed fiercely like the wuss he is. "Shuddap now!" he took a swing at Cid, which was easily avoided. Cid smacked his head off the fireplace, causing his IQ to go down 5 points.  
  
"Okay, okay," Cid said between guffaws, rubbing his head "But you'd make a pretty damn good one. I know! Dress up as Santa! Do it!"  
  
Cid began to clap his hands while shouting, "Do it! Do it!" like a child. His eyes were lit up with a crazed glow.  
  
"F&^% you man!" Barret glared at his friend. Truth was, he was getting a little afraid... he knew that look. That was the look that Cloud got when he saw anything pointy.  
  
"A bet!" Cid offered.  
  
"There ain't nothin' on this earth that you can bet, that would make me dress up like Santa." Barret told him.  
  
"Hear me out... I bet you that I can fool Nanaki into going outside, and staying there all night." Cid said confidently.  
  
"What kinda fool bet is that?!" Barret exclaimed.  
  
"Who's smarter, me or Nanaki?" Cid asked.  
  
Barret thought carefully through this point. Well, Nanaki cleaned himself with his tongue (even the sensitive areas)... however Cid didn't clean himself at all. Nanaki ate puppy chow.. But then again Cid ate his OWN cooking. Nanaki was a talking beast... but... alright, no difference there.  
  
"Yeah, Nanaki is definitely a helluva lot smarter than your dumb ass." Barret answered.  
  
"Exactly! Then this should be an easy bet for you to win." Cid said matter- of-factly.  
  
"So what's in it for me?" Barret asked curiously.  
  
"If you win, I'LL wear the Santa suit. But if I win, then you get to. Deal?" Cid explained.  
  
"You're on!" Barret exclaimed as the two men shook hands.  
  
***  
  
Inside the kitchen, Tifa, Cloud, Yuffie and Nanaki were sitting around the giant table, eating up the remainders of what was left in the fridge. The food mainly consisted of elements of food, as Cloud had spent the remainder of their money on magic beans. When asked how they were magic, Cloud simply told the group that if you ate them, they would give that person gas for a week. Of course, by now they were used to these kind of things, and Tifa had planned to pawn his last sword for food in the morning.  
  
"You can't take my sword! Its the pointiest thing that I own!" Cloud yelled as he drank out of the mustard bottle.  
  
"What about your HAIR?" Yuffie shot back, eyes watering from the cloves she was trying to digest. "What about your nose?" Cloud imitated her, rolling his eyes.  
  
"That's it!" Yuffie screamed and punched him in the head. Bad mistake.  
  
A loud scream that overshadowed Elena's slap broke through the air.  
  
"Ahh!" Yuffie yelled, holding her bleeding hand, "Anybody have any antiseptic?!"  
  
She continued screaming and ran up the stairs. Fortunately, they were used to this too, and the scene rolled right off their backs.  
  
"You should have thought of your precious sword before you bought those beans." Tifa scolded him, "What was the point of them anyway? What possible use was there?"  
  
"I was going to give them to Barret for Christmas." Cloud said sadly.  
  
"Why would you want to give Barret gas for a week?" Tifa asked.  
  
"Well... you know how he's always telling us how irregular he is." Cloud smiled up at Tifa.  
  
Nanaki chuckled from his spot under the table.  
  
"Alright, fine!" Tifa said, exasperated, "Santa won't be bringing you that Buster sword that you wanted."  
  
"But I need it!" Cloud whined, "How else will I be able to pretend I'm Zack anymore?"  
  
"Cloud, you figured out what your personality was "supposed" to be a year ago." Nanaki said from the floor. Then all of a sudden, he yelled out "You'll poke your eye out!"  
  
"Screw you guys!" Cloud stood up, throwing the mustard bottle to the floor. He ran out of the room and up the stairs.  
  
Silence filled the room like a bad fart. This was the third time that this had happened today alone.  
  
"Is it my turn now?" Tifa asked her furry friend.  
  
"Yep." Nanaki replied.  
  
Tifa sighed and followed Cloud up the stairs. By the time this Christmas was over, she would need to have a barrel of Captain Morgan. She hoped Santa would remember to supply her with plenty of alcohol.  
  
***  
  
Cloud dramatically slammed the door, causing all of his framed pictures of Aeris to fall off the wall. Squealing slightly, he ran over and picked up the nearest one, out of the 20 that were scattered over the floor.  
  
"I'll save you Aeris!" Cloud yelled as he recovered the photo a little too late. But then again, Cloud was always a little to late in saving his beloved. Cloud frowned.... "You forgive me, right Aeris?"  
  
The girl in the photo just stared up at him with a dazzling smile.  
  
"Is that a yes?" Cloud asked the photo.  
  
Again, the girl continued to smile.  
  
Cloud stared perplexed at the photo, waiting silently for an answer. "What did you say? You want me to burn the house down?"  
  
It was then that a knock came at the door, swishing the thoughts out of his spiky head. It was a good thing too, because fire did not mix well with this blonde. The last time he has tried to light the barbeque, he had ended up with no eyebrows for a month. Cloud laughed silently at the memory of his wacky hairdos that month. No one had suspected a thing.... and the girls were giving him a lot more looks as well..... even the guys!  
  
"Cloud! Let me in!" Tifa's voice drifted from across the wooden door.  
  
"No!" Cloud pouted. He would not let her take him alive! He knew what he had to do... he needed to escape!  
  
Taking a last look at the many scattered photos of Aeris, Cloud picked up his sword and miraculously climbed out the window.  
  
Too bad he forgot it was a twenty foot drop...  
  
*******  
  
A/N: trying so hard to finish this for christmas... I will try! Please review with your thoughts! 


	3. plans, more plans, and the pinstriped su...

Chapter 3

* * *

Rudolf Beula Shimtz sat in his favorite rocking chair, shaking his fist menacingly at the use of his full name. No wonder he calls himself Rude.

"Why, I ought to use the Turk version of the "Men In Black" mind eraser." Rude threatened. So what's the Turk's version? If you're lucky, a night on the town with Reno. If you're not... it'll just be a quick punch in the face from himself. Rude smiled at that. Boy was he clever.

But all in all, Rude was feeling pretty good tonight. Tomorrow, he would finally get what he always wanted for Christmas. Well, that's if that fat craphole of a Santa would actually give it to him. Rude had plans, and everything would go directly to plan. Oh yes.. nothing could stop him this time!

Getting out of his rocking chair, and setting aside his knitting (Turks have to keep warm too!), Rude smiled deviously at his display of trickery. He had gone all out... no milk and cookies for him! No... it was something that no 300 pound man could resist! A double chocolate fudge cake and a mug full of frosty beer. In fact, it was so irresistible, Rude found his mouth watering at the sight.

"Mmm... that cake looks so good," Rude mumbled through the saliva dripping down his chin, "Must have it... I need to eat that cake!"

Just as he was about to mindlessly fist into his feast, Rude quickly slapped himself across the face a few times. "Snap out of it man! If you eat it, then the plan will be ruined!"

Rude quickly recovered and smiled at the thought of his perfect plan. As soon as that fat bastard let his guard down, then his plan would come into play.... yes... not even Cloud and his gang of hooligans would save Santa then! Rude would finally get what he wanted for Christmas, and what he always wanted was--

"Hey Rude!" Reno yelled from outside. "I got fired, and I saw Tseng come back from the dead! Oh.... I also need to use your bathroom and ralph all over your clean floor..."

Rude rolled his eyes with aggravation and opened his door. It was just like Reno to steal his thunder like that. Someday the spotlight would be on a decent gentleman like himself, and not always on his hooligan of a friend. Everywhere Rude looked, he saw hooligans. No wonder he always carried his gun.

"Reno, you're drunk. Not saying that's a surprise, but don't you think you've had a lot... even for chug-bugger like yourself?" Rude said in a motherly tone with his hands on his hips.

Chug-what? Reno thought strangely. Then he remembered why he came here. "Make way! Gotta puke!"

The red-head ran for the toilet holding his mouth. Rude frowned. He had just mopped that floor. With the sounds of barfing in the distance, Rude decided the best thing to do would be to get his cleaning supplies. He would have to finish savoring his plans later.

Finally, we come back to Rufus, our little scheming friend. Hopefully he has finished his plans NOW..

"You bet your ass!" Rufus smiled deviously, his hair curling up at both ends. He had even painted his face green to look the part. Nice touch.

"What? That's just candy cane!" Rufus stated with annoyance as he licked off the candy around his mouth.

"Imbeciles.." he muttered under his minty fresh breath, "Yes... my plan is the most original and evil of all plans! See, I watched this show that coincidently happened to be on tv. It was about this monster who wanted to steal Christmas for some reason. I only watched the first ten minutes of it... but I got the gists of it."

Yeah, we all know how original Rufus is.

"The only problem would be that I'd have to rhyme. So... Heidigger, if you please.." Rufus called for the Rap Master himself.

"Yes sir! I'm here to put a spin on this whack tale.. Fo' shizzle!" Heidigger spurted his gangsta tone.... and we're all scared.

With a clearing of his troat, Heidigger pulled out a previously prepared sheet of paper and began to rap.

"Yo, dis is Rufus in da house, an' his plan is for no mouse.

He's gonna get dem Avalanche punks, and do it with some spunk--"

"Ye gods!" Rufus yelled appalled, "Stop for Shiva's sake!"

Heidigger gave the president a hurtful look. "Yo, jest cuz I'm a big guy, doesn't mean I dun got feelin's.."

"How's this for feelings?" Rufus shouted mercilessly, "You're fired!"

Rufus laughed evilly as he watched Heidigger slink out of the room. You wouldn't think he would be able to slink... but we all have our days.

"Now," Rufus said calmly, "Just because I stole this idea from Dr Sues, doesn't mean I HAVE to rhyme."

"Damn hippie," Rufus said as he angrily tossed a paper weight at the tv.

Clearing his throat, he again turned towards the camera. There was no time like the present to begin his monologue.

"Alright," Rufus started, "If there's one thing that would fool Cloud and the gang.. and we all know it wouldn't take MUCH to fool Cloud... it would be a visit from St. Nick himself! Muahahahahaha."

Clicking his hands together Rufus laughed deviously, "Oh, the possibilities! Exploding presents, poisoned turkey, or... dare I say it? Dip their hands into warm water and make them wet the bed! Gods, I am evil!"

"Now.. To become Santy Claus, I'm gonna need a disguise.." Rufus trailed off, looking around the room. No, that fishing net wouldn't quite cut it this time. He sighed dramatically. Why did he fire Hiedigger? He would make a great Santa!

He looked forlornly at Dark Nation, hoping he would hop up and whisper him the answers. "What do you think, boy? How should I disguise myself?"

The huge cat opened his mouth, and Rufus leaned in expectantly. Oh boy, he thought, I kick Dr Doolittle's ass! Just as he had grabbed a movie camera to tape his baby's moment in the spotlight, Dark Nation let out a burp worthy of Barret's jealousy. His perfectly groomed hair was blown out of style, as the camera smashed on the floor.

"Damn." Rufus said disappointed. "Just more gas, I see. At least this time there wasn't any bulle-"

Before he could get out the word, a shot fired out of his pet's mouth, narrowly missing him, ripping a hole through his superior coat. It then lodged firmly into the wall, next to his father's memorial.

"Hmmm.." Said Rufus, not at all reactant about the latest events, "This gives me an idea."

There behind the glass case was his father's old red suit. A little pimpish and pinstriped... but it was time Santa got a make over. Yesss, this would do just fine.. And he would get lots of babes with it too!

* * *

A/N: It's back again! Hope it isn't too early to start posting some chapters. A new one will be posted next week. Happy Holidays, and make sure you review :) 


	4. It's a Wonderful Death

Chapter 4

* * *

As an author can be described as a stalker of characters (who the hell ever said that?!), we walked up the stairs of Cloud's Villa, and entered the shadowiest room. It was as black as a tainted soul.. And I bet we know just who's soul it was! With mood-setting 'crack!', a unusually long streak of lightning lighted up the room.

"My soul is on fire!!" Vincent yelled, running into the corner in which he had been staring at for the last 10 days straight. "My eyes!! My beautiful eyes!" He hissed, scratching manically at his peepers.

As the darkness returned to the room, much as the tar that had scarred his heart, Vincent relaxed as it surrounded him. Sweet, beautiful darkness. He smiled as he caressed it, but that grin disappeared as fast as it appeared.

"Idiot!" he slapped himself across the face. "How do you think you're supposed to maintain an image with all that smiling! Get a hold of yourself, Mona Lisa!"

He sighed with overpowering angst. It was that time of year again...that time of year when Tifa 'redecorates' your crap-shack to get you in the holiday spirit (although, it only succeeds to get him into the killing spirit), that time of year when Barret eats so much turkey, that the bathroom is occupied for hours afterward.... that time of year when he had to spend his precious money on losers, and only get DOZENS OF FRUITCAKES IN RETURN. Oh, how he loathed fruitcakes. How so many fruits could co-exist with each other in the same cake was above his reasoning. Such abominations of nature should never be eaten.

"If I have to go through another Christmas, I think I'll finally take up my minutely threat of killing myself." Vincent whispered in anguish. After all, every waking moment of his life was misery. "No more attention grabbing suicides! I'm gonna actually do it this year! And I don't mean wearing 80's fashion in the 21st century!"

He looked down at his parachute pants and frowned. "I've already committed fashion suicide! Noooo!!"

Shaking his raven locks with sadness, he resisted hammer time, and shed a bitter tear. The angst was so overpowering! He was definitely the king of drama.

"Oh! If only I had never been born! What a better world it would have been!" he exclaimed dramatically, his hands outstretched.

"And how!"

Vincent turned around to the voice sounding behind him. It was familiar, but he couldn't see the intruder, and began to squint as he said "Who dares intrude on the lair of the great Vincent Valentine?"

"Oh please, you're second-rate at best, Valentine. And what's with the dank? It wouldn't hurt you to turn on a light."

With a click of his bony fingers, the room lighted up revealing Hojo in all his glory, hovering nonchalantly. Vincent was sent into a panic once again.. But not because of his arch foe floating in the middle of his room.. no, that kind of thing hardly fazed him anymore.. But the lights had once again pierced his tainted body.

"My retina's!" Vincent yelled, falling over into immense pain. "You monster! The dank holds the sexiness!"

"Nonsense. You look exactly the same as you do in the dark." Hojo told him. Vincent looked up at him with puffy eyes twitching, and his tongue slipping in and out of his mouth like a lizard. Hojo winced "Eh.. Maybe I SHOULD turn the light back off."

"Please, thank you." Vincent muttered, crunched uncomfortably on the floor, the light making him totally helpless and moronic.

The lights turned off once again and Vincent sighed with relief. He was about the caress the dank anew, but resisted the temptation. Not with Blowjo in the room... he would only stink the dank up.

"So, you want to know what things would have been like if you had never been born?" Hojo questioned as he floated above him. Why oh why did he have to wear a dress?? Vincent shuddered inwardly, willing his eyes not to become adjusted to the darkness.

"Well, seeing as you 'hovered' in on my dramatic monologue, I'm willing to bet you heard me." Vincent snapped sarcastically.

"No need to be snippy, Valentine. I will show you everything." Hojo said mysteriously. "Take my hand and we shall begin."

Vincent stared at Hojo's hand with apprehension. Was he hitting on him?

"Come on. I don't bite.... well, no that's a lie. I bite rather hard."

Vincent screamed inside. He WAS hitting on him. He knew that men and women alike fancied his beautiful physic, but this was too much. He would take Cid's hand before laying a finger on Hojo. After all, if nothing else, Cid had his license. There was no way he was going to _hover_ to the 7 Eleven.

Broken out of his musings, Hojo yelled to him. "I don't have all day, Frankenpire, I'm scheduled to host a seminar with Aliens Anonymous at 6. Move it!"

* * *

A/N: Sorry this one is so short, but I wanted to get another chapter in before Christmas. Happy Holidays! 


End file.
